Julia Rochelle

Julia is a big part of our lives.  This page is dedicated to her and her story.  Her stay on Earth may have been short but the impact she had on us is never-ending.

From the very beginning:

Not long after our second child, Emmeline was born, Matt and I both felt very impressed that we should have another child very soon.  As I look back now, I am astonished that I felt alright with starting to try for another child when Emmy was only 6 months old.  I guess this would be the first of many times in Julia's "life" where we were able to have confidence and faith in a prompting.  We did not become pregnant right away but we never lost the feeling that this is what we were supposed to be doing and we looked forward to having another little person join our family.

I found out I was pregnant earlier than I had with my 2 previous pregnancies.  I was about 4 weeks along and I told Matt the news over a plate of fries at New York Fries.  We were both so excited.

18 Week Ultrasound

I can remember really wanting Matt to come to this. I considered going on my own, it was our third baby after all and maybe asking him to take some time off work was unnecessary.  I asked anyway, I don't throw out the idea that Heavenly Father was helping us along even at this point and knew that it would be good for Matt to be there with me.
We called it a marathon ultrasound.  It was taking so long.  Matt might have even fallen asleep at one point :).  Eventually the tech finally finished and went to show the radiologist to see if she had everything they needed.  We were a little curious by this time and I don't think very surprised when she took us to a consult room and told us the radiologist would be in to discuss the results.
Results:
#1  Single Umbilical Artery.  we learned that usually the umbilical cord has two arteries and one vein. There was only one artery and one vein.
#2 Choroid Cysts.  These are pockets of excess spinal fluid in the brain.  I believe.
Both of these things are possible indicators of chromosomal abnormalities but also happen occasionally in perfectly healthy babies.
#3 Baby is small
The latter is what they felt was the case in our situation.  Everything else physically looked great in our baby.  One of the concerns was Trisomy 18, but they also look for more indicators such as not opening their hands and malformed feet.  They didn't see this.  They wanted to look into things further and keep a close eye on me and baby,We felt confused but we also felt like everything would be fine.
Later:
Fetal Electrocardiogram - Normal
Another test called uterine artery doppler - results were not normal.  This meant there were concerns with the function of the placenta and the growth of the baby.
The baby was already measuring small at this point and so the plan was to have me go for ultrasounds every two weeks to monitor the growth of baby and check for signs that the baby was getting all the blood and nutrition that it needed.

I felt confused, unsure.  I have never had any complication in any of my previous pregnancies and as far as I could tell this one felt the same.  There really was nothing that I could do expect keep doing what I was doing, be healthy and strong and go to my appointments, so that's what I did.

Ultrasounds.  
22 Weeks.   25 Weeks.   27 Weeks.   28 Weeks.   31 Weeks.   33 Weeks.
They went like this.  Check- in.  Wait.  A nurse would come and take my blood pressure.  Ask if I had noticed any changes and if I had any questions.  Blood pressure would always be good.  I would wait again.  The Ultrasound tech would take me to a room where she would check the brain, do a doppler to check the flow of blood in the brain.  Check the organs: heart, stomach and kidneys.  Doppler on the umbilical cord to check blood flow.  Check the growth of the baby.  And do all the other regular stuff.  She would check with the Radiologist, then I would go to the consult room and wait.  The radiologist would come and say everything looks good.  Baby is still growing along the 10 percentile curve.  Keep doing what you are doing and come back in two weeks.

I remember one of these visits with the radiologists early on when I had a lot of questions.  He was very helpful and encouraged me that sometimes there's more to the story when they see these sorts of things but that sometimes the baby is just small and everything else is fine. He said to me that he felt that my baby was just small (not like my other two- 8'10" and 8'7") and that was the way she (she was still an "it" at this point) was supposed to be.  I don't blame him for saying this to me.  In fact, I am glad that I was able to enjoy my pregnancy.  Knowing there were "complications"  but hopeful of a beautiful ending.

Ultrasound
35 Weeks.
This one started out the same.  Just like all the others.  But it did not end the same.
After the ultrasound, the tech took me to the consult room but informed me that the radiologist had requested that we do a non stress test.  I started to get concerned.
I can't remember much of what he said.  Blood vessels in the baby's brain were starting to dilate showing that there wasn't adequate blood supply.  Her growth had dropped off from the 10th percentile to the 2nd.  The Doppler on the umbilical cord was showing resistance to forward flow.  A whole bunch of stuff that amounted to the doctor telling me, "your baby is better out than in at this point".  So I asked what do I do??

"You go right to Rockyview hospital right now, don't go home first."

I couldn't believe it, was I going to have a baby today?!  I just dropped my kids off at Dana Rapp's while I went for my appointments, I was just up till 1 in the morning painting the walls in my living room.  I wasn't ready to have a baby yet.  Looking back, I am also grateful for our lack of preparation for another baby.  There was no room ready for a baby to come home to, in fact it was filled to the brim with at the furniture and "Stuff" from our living room.  I think the only thing that I had done was purchase a box of diapers.  What else do you need, really??  So we didn't have to deal with the putting away of things that are lovingly prepared for a new little baby.

I held myself together quite well until I got outside and dialed Matt's number.  I couldn't speak when he answered.  Matt was thankfully on his way home from an out of town conference he had been at for a few days.  I believe his coworker sped excessively after my phone call but Matt was able to arrive just shortly after I arrived at the hospital.

A side note:  In the week that followed we felt like we were being showered with tender mercies from the Lord.  One that we recognized was that Matt and I had cell phones so we were able to get a hold of each other with ease and also communicate with everyone we needed to as we lived at the hospital.  Matt looked it up and he got his cell phone only two weeks prior to this point.  I don't believe it was just coincidence that after years of talking about whether to get a cell phone that he finally got one at this time.

I was just thinking as I was getting ready this morning, because I really play through the moments surrounding her short life over and over, how I think deep down we, at least I, knew that everything wasn't going to be alright.  But without really knowing, how do you tell yourself to not hope for the best.  So even in these moments before her birth, we were thinking of everything we would need to do at home before she could come home and the idea that we were going to have a small baby staying in the hospital for a while.

I was induced that night and was told that it would probably be twelve hours before they would do anything else to encourage this baby to come.  So Matt went home to sleep and with instructions to pack me a hospital bag - not the easiest thing for him to do!  I ended up calling Matt around 4 in the morning telling him that contractions had started on their own around 2 and there really was no way of knowing how long things would take since my last labor was 2 hours start to finish.  The nurses were preparing to take me to a labor and delivery room just in case as well.

It's difficult to recall all the details of labor since you're really not in the right frame of mind, but I know it was stressful with the constant monitoring of her heart rate and worrying each time her heart rate dropped waiting for it to come back again.  The doctors were constantly on the edge of taking me off to perform a c-section but thankfully, just as they had decided it was time to go for c-section my contractions became very intense and she arrived very shortly at 9:33 am.  Then things got very scary, yet again I can recall a feeling of peace in my heart as if I knew.  Our baby was not breathing, she did not cry, she was very blue.  They called baby blue stat and my room was flooded with doctors working to resuscitate her.  Actually, I think it was around this time that Matt and I had to ask, what do we have?  A boy or girl. A girl!  I knew that too...  Matt and I cried together waiting to hear something... eventually, we heard one little peep.
 That was to be the only sound that I would ever hear from her.
They took Julia off to the NICU and I sent Matt to go with her.  The next little while was strange as I lay there in the delivery bed all by myself.  Just one nurse cleaning up the room around me.  I felt stuck.  Matt came back a little later and showed me some pictures on our camera.  I told him "she looks beautiful".  She was 3 pounds 11 ounces.  Much smaller than your average 5 week premature baby.

I finally got to go see her.

My little girl, she made it!  That's all we were thinking at this time.  Here she is, she's alive.
This was Friday August 16, 2013.

She was transferred to Foothills hospital NICU later that day.  They were more equipped to handle with her level of care.

This is what she was transferred in, in the ambulance to foothills.

I held Julia for the first time the evening of August 17.  1 and a half days after she was born.  It was scary and oh so wonderful.  She was so tiny. The nurse and the respiratory therapist had to be there each time I held her and everything had to be done slow and careful.
It was stressful for me because each time I would hold her, her oxygen levels would have to be increased because her oxygen saturation would go down and then she would have some distress when she was transferred back into her bed.

The first few days were mostly tests, not knowing what was really going on and constantly getting our hopes up that they would be able to remove the breathing tube... and of course there was the genetics consult...To be honest, by the time the genetics team came we were pretty sure that something serious was going on with our daughter.  So even when the geneticist told us "this doesn't look like a trisomy 18 baby to me" we didn't get our hopes up.  We were preparing ourselves for the worst but hoping for the best.  It was a confusing time because as I felt peace I was tempted to think that it meant everything would work out just fine.
I guess in a way it still did... In God's way.

But as you know, the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 did come.  We got the news on August 21 at about 5 pm.

We went home that night and held Aiden and Emmy extra close.  We cried... a lot... and tried to tell our parents the news, and the very poor prognosis.  Julia's days on this Earth were numbered.  From that moment we lived knowing that each day we had Julia was a gift.
I went back to the hospital that night and sat by her until the wee hours of the morning.  The thoughts and feelings that I had and wrote in my journal that night are difficult for me to read now.  It takes me back to that day.  This was the day my world truly changed forever.

We moved forward.  We wanted family to meet this little precious daughter of ours.  We invited them to come and see her.  We took beautiful photos.  The most precious photos.

                                                                                                       Thank you Jody Crane

Julia received a baby blessing given to her by Matt.  Grandpa Payne, Grandpa Wilde and her Uncle Brandon were there to participate.  It was a beautiful blessing that spoke of her short mission on this Earth and that her greatest calling was to assist our family from the other side. That it was her choice how long she remained on this Earth.
In the next couple days, Julia's condition seemed to worsen.  She looked to be in pain, she didn't like being touched, her lungs were starting to fill with blood, her oxygen needs increased. We did not want to see her suffer.

In a beautiful turn of events, some palliative nurses, including the wonderful Leoni!, came to visit with us and suggested that we might like to take Julia to the Rotary Flames House for her last moments.  Matt and I went to see the facility, it was a very nice place.
After we had toured the facility, we decided that we would go for a walk outside on the grounds of the children's hospital.  This led to a very profound and sure experience that gave Matt and I the confidence to move forward in the very difficult coming days and honor what we truly felt was Julia's choice for her life.  The spirit was strong and the outpouring of peace was real and came from no other source but from God.

August 25, 2013
We arrived at the Rotary Flames house around 2pm.  We were surrounded by a lot of family.  We were so happy to be able to share her with the people we love especially because we feel that Julia came to bless many other people and not just us.  We sat in this beautiful sun room and everyone had that chance to say goodbye.

It was so special.  We still feel so blessed to have had that experience. To be outside of the hospital in a comfortable and beautiful environment.  We even got to take her outside!

This was a lot for Julia to take, her oxygen levels dipped very low at times. But we believe she really hung on for this experience for us and for the memories and photos that we have to cherish.  From here, we went to a private room where they would remove Julia's breathing tube.  I will not share much of this sacred experience.  She passed very peacefully, probably almost before they even really removed the breathing tube.
We took some more photos.
Thank you Elizabeth Cranmer.

Words cannot express how much Julia means to us.  She has blessed our lives in so many and diverse ways.  She is a choice spirit and we are so happy and honored that she is a part of our family.  One thing we learned in all of this is that God truly does have a great plan and he accomplishes his work in mysterious ways.

Julia's Funeral was on August 30, 2013.  It was another beautiful day.

About Julia's Name:  We wrote this for the funeral program - To us, naming a child is a special honor.  When Julia was born, it became clear very soon that her life would not be easy.  We wanted to choose a name that encompassed all that we hoped she could be.  We chose the middle name Rochelle, a French name meaning "little rock".  She was born small and hoped she could grow up physically and spiritually - as strong as a rock.  As time went on, it became clear that this was not meant to be her lot in life.  Her name then became to take on new meaning for us.  Our Savior, Jesus Christ, is our Foundation and our Rock.  We know that He is the reason that we can hope and strive for eternal life with our Father in Heaven.  And now our family has Julia - our "little rock" to build our life on, another reason to live faithfully and hope for that better day when we will be reunited and live together as an eternal family.