An update

I've been wanting to write for a while now but the words don't seem to come.  I'm constantly composing in my mind little things to say on here but then it all seems so trite to me.  It's become really hard to talk about something so deep, so important, so sacred and such a part of me.  The idea of answering the question "how are you doing" (when in reference to Julia) makes me cringe.  It doesn't seem like there a words to express my thoughts or the way I "feel".  I think it's kinda like answering the question "what do you believe?"  You can offer some words but it doesn't come close to conveying the feelings you have in your heart or the whole picture.
That being said, I LOVE when people will actually mention Julia, remember her, express thoughtfulness or condolences. I am so grateful to those of you who do.  I saw a friend who I haven't seen since Julia's birth and passing and I was so happy when they didn't try to avoid the issue but came right out and expressed their sadness over our loss.  I know it can be common to think it is better to not bring up the issue but believe me, you're not bringing up anything new.  Julia is always on my mind.
I'm always thinking.

• as I sit alone with my two children on Sunday I feel "someone is missing" and I don't mean my husband! 
• as I walk through the grocery store I think "no one here knows I actually have 3 children".
• as people make passing remarks about children and death (it happens more than you think, "like they are being so quiet maybe they're dead!")  I think "I've already been there".
• Everyone else's family is growing but mine still seems so small.
• Does anyone else see the grief that I feel in my eyes?
• Everyone thinks about the fact that so-and-so just had a baby recently because she has a baby to show for it. Does anyone remember that I gave birth not long ago too? 

Julia would have been 6 months old just a few days ago.  I'm pretty sure no one else thought about it on that day except for me.  That's okay, no one pays attention to when other people's baby's have their half birthday on their own.  I don't have any pictures to show what Julia looks like not or what she's doing.   But I've also realized something.  I don't know how these birthday milestones are going to play out, for Julia will always be my baby.  She's frozen in my memory as my little 3 1/2 pound baby.  She's not 6 months, or a year or any other age.  She is 9 days old and oh so tiny. 

 Aiden told me the other day that Julia just didn't get to grow long enough in my tummy so she didn't get big enough and that's why she died.  While that's not the truth of things, he's trying to make sense of things still for himself and that's okay.  He talks about death often and thankfully talks of Julia regularly.  

                            This makes me SO HAPPY.  

At supper the other night Matt was asking Aiden questions about Julia's funeral and burial.  Aiden's memory was amazing, the details he remembers, astonishing.  And this is ever so special because as Matt dedicated Julia's grave that day he prayed that Aiden and Emmy would be able to remember that experience.  Aiden could remember the headband that Julia wore in her casket, he remembers when we closed her casket and the order of events at the burial and even little details as Matt lifting himself out of the grave without any help after placing Julia down inside. While I don't know how things will work out with Emmy, she is so young, I have faith that there will be some sort of remembrance of that day.  And it is quite neat that Emmy does sometimes surprise us by bringing up Julia.  In her limited communicative abilities and understanding, this tends to happen for her when the subject of owies, or sickness come up.

I still can't believe the experiences we've had in our life over the past year.  The Lord has watched over us.  It is not easy, faith and hope for the future is the only way to have peace though.  And it is much too hard to try and exist without peace.  So I try to choose faith and hope each day. 

Today is Tuesday.... my day all about Julia.  It's been a long time since I have been able to have a "Tuesday with Julia" :)  It's tough to be able to find time to set everything aside and do what can seem like nothing yet is of such importance, and set aside guilt for having someone else help me out by watching my other kids. I went through Julia's box of things this morning.  I've been wanting to do it for a while now but It's not something that I couldn't just casually and quickly look through.  So I took my time this morning after I dropped off my kids. I held the blanket that I held Julia in during her last moments.  I read cards that were given to us and felt so much love and support.  It's easy to feel alone and forgotten as I wander through life and most people either don't think about or feel too uncomfortable to say anything.  But I cried freely as I read the many kinds words and thoughts that we received and remembered that we are not alone.