So I must say that I've been thinking that I've been doing really good. I thought that I was coping really well. Now I am realizing that I have just been living in a bubble.
We have been so abundantly blessed by many people in our lives. In fact I would say that we have been spoiled. We have also enjoyed much time together as a family where we had no other concerns or commitments. We have enjoyed peace and contentment with a spiritual witness that this was Julia's purpose and mission. That this IS part of Heavenly Father's plan and that it is for the benefit and blessing of our family. We have felt good, we have felt happiness even.
Now life, true real life, not the real life that I thought I've been living these past few weeks, is calling to us. Oh, how I am dragging my feet, though. I want time to stop, I want to stay in this peaceful bubble, it's much more comfortable than the life that is calling to me. My sense of loss is increasing daily over these past couple of days. Julia really is gone....... maybe I was still in a bit of denial, if denial is not the right word, maybe avoidance, or ignorance.
I am not pregnant anymore. yes, I gave birth. I had a baby girl. I buried my baby girl. I will not see her again in this life. I guess all these feelings I am having now come from a selfish point of view. I will work through it all. I will try to grow closer to my Savior through this. For why would I try to do this without turning to the One who knows my experience and what I am feeling perfectly.
Yes. He is the source of peace.
1 comment:
I can't imagine all you are going through! I think because my last pregnancy had complications I think of you often and wonder how you are coping. I find myself wishing I were your visiting teacher or neighbor so I could DO something!! So glad to hear you have awesome people in your life.
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